Week 19: For The Love of Art

Her love of art and insatiable need for creativity is going to get her places in this world.

Week 30: Invisible Illness, Invisible Strength, Invisible Me

First and foremost, kudos to my 6 year old daughter for taking this shot!!!  Normally Mommy's camera is like a hot stove...you don't EVER touch it.  Today, however, was a day of excruciating head aches, exhaustion, nausea, and joint inflammation.  Today this meant Mommy had no will to say, "No way Jose" when Anna asked if she could take a picture.  I guess she showed me :)

Somehow I keep hoping, keep going, keep finding the strength to keep fighting.  I don't really know how.  Today I realized it's them.  My husband and my girls.  Despite everything, everything that I have lacked these past couple years, they keep going.  And most of the time it is with a smile.  That's why somehow I can't manage to give up either.

Autoimmune and chronic illness is debilitating and isolating.  Our culture today leads to serious misconceptions about illness.  Especially ones that can't be readily seen, such as with the person in a wheel chair or the person lacking a limb.  Even doctor's present challenges for patients.  Many western practitioners tend to treat symptoms rather than the whole person...probably thee most frustrating aspect for a patient who has been suffering for years.  And then there is the rest of society.  The underlying assumption is that if she is enjoying herself, she must be ok.  The fact is we don't have a choice.  Depending on the flare the person may not be able to do more than take a shower, but if there is an important occasion or one simply misses the enriching experience of social interaction she puts on her best act and soaks up what she can from the experience.  One bit of advice...don't ever assume that because the person you are with is laughing that she is pain free.  She has learned to put up with the pain and, more often than not, is doing so at that time.

So although the road ahead is still very long and I certainly have my thoughts of giving up on ever feeling "normal" again, I can't.  I still have too much hope to enjoy the little nuances of daily living.  Who would have thought a person would be thrilled to hold a cup of coffee with out worry of dropping it, or be excited to get her child dressed in the morning with out sending shots of pain up her hands?  Who would have thought life would now be complete if one could simply go for a walk down the street with their husband, open an already-opened jar of jam with out help, eat food with out fear sickness to follow?  Life would certainly be complete.  Me, visible, no pain, guilt, or embarrassment to hide.  My perfect family, just as we are, nothing extraordinary, not wanting for more, just living, just enjoying, just us.  

Week 30: New Doctor...New Treatment? New Diagnosis?

Two and a half years of multiple diagnosis'.  Two and a half years of progressive, invisible symptoms.  Two and a half years of quality time lost with my little girls and my husband.  Two and a half years of making plans and canceling and relying on others to do my motherly duties-in other words guilt and embarrassment.  Two and half years of trying to answer why Mommy hurts, struggling to maintain professional growth and develop a personal business, paying a plethora of medical expenses, and taking 17+ pills of vitamins and prescriptions a day.  Next week comes a brand new doctor.  With that...a new diagnosis? A new treatment plan?  Hope is brewing...again.  Hope to be able to walk down the street with out pain and fatigue, hope to open my own containers, swallow my food with out choking, hope to hold my camera pain free, hope to take on my business again, hope to be completely and utterly ordinary again. No one famous, no one special.  Just a mom and a wife.  Living with out pain, feeling refreshed upon waking, driving her girls to and from dance and swimming, and school, going for a run (if my joints ever heal), reopening her photography studio, teaching at the local college, and saying "adios to all this autoimmune ^$&#*@." 

Week 16: There Is A Certain Happiness In Being Silly

Happiness is a positive feeling.  Age and culture tend to define them slightly different-older aged adults tend to define happiness as "peaceful" and "calm" while children and young adults tend to define happiness as being "excited."  While not everyone is born with a sunny disposition, psychology experts agree that we can all learn how to bring more satisfaction to our lives.  For this little girl all it takes is a pair of swimming goggles and a sunny day outside (no need for a pool!).  Man's desire for happiness is universal and the strive for it is innate.  Actually attaining it is obviously is in the eye of the beholder.

Sonja Lyubomirsky, a leading researcher in the study of happiness and the author of The How of Happiness, suggests that genetics influences 50% of our happiness.  Extraneous factors such as income, looks, and marital status influence 10%, and the final 30% is influenced by factors that we control.  In other words, the activities and actions we carry out to purposely affect our level of happiness (hobbies, volunteering, social activities, maintaining a balance between work, play, religion, etc.).  Of course there are a number of variables I could discuss in regards to happiness.  Political systems, metacognition, cultural nuances, process, purpose, and some interesting brain imaging on the prefrontal cortex, all influence what one might define as happiness.  However, of all the research, what I find to be the most consistent factor in attaining happiness is also one of the most wonderful characteristics of my Lu-Lu girl.  She has a natural ability for what psychologists call "mindfulness."  She lives in the moment and she savors it.  She is silly and goofy and it brings her a certain happiness.

For many, mindfulness is a skill that has to be deliberately practiced before it can become instinctive.  So as you begin your day tomorrow (and the next, and the day after that, and the day after that...) put on your goggles.  Make it a goal to be mindful of what is positive at three different instances in your day.  Soon you won't have to think about it.  Soon you can be silly like no one is watching.  Soon you can live in the moment and be "happy."

Week 15: Golden Slumbers Fill Your Eyes

“Golden slumbers fill your eyes, smiles await you when you rise. Sleep pretty darling do not cry, and I will sing you a lullaby.”

— The Beatles

Week 14: Don't Try to Change My Melody. I Am An Original!

Today I am going to jump right in and will be following up from last week's post.  What exactly is Common Core and what is so bad about it?  Why are the new standardized tests that resulted from CC so detrimental?  Here we go.  (Please note that I will not be citing every piece of information and data I provide.  Although I have essentially done my own literature review, it is outside the scope of this blog.)

Common Core is simply a list of standards in which a child is expected to master by the end of each grade level.  Easy enough right?  Here are the complications with it (I will primarily be focusing of primary grades since that is my specialty):

1.  Standards need to be developmentally appropriate.  Here is a FACT.  Early childhood educators did not participate in developing the standards.  Of the 135 people that wrote the standards, not one was a K-3 teacher.

2.  There is absolutely 0, zilch, nada, no data or research what-so-ever to support the implementation of Common Core Sate Standards (CCSS).  In other words, standards were written but never pilot tested.  Furthermore, there has been no provisions for on going research.  The consequences?  If you currently have a child in school he or she is a guinea pig.  Until the government blatantly sees failing test scores (and suffering children) CC will remain....unless parents fight back and start opting out.

3.  Implementation disaster!!!!  CCSS were thrown at teachers and students all at once and at the same time.  A more appropriate implementation would have been to begin the standards with students entering kindergarten.  Instead, students who had already been accustomed to learning in one manner and to one set of core standards for 5, 10, 11 years were expected to immediately shift gears.  Could you do that with out a learning curve?

4.  Children are born originals!  The academic skills mandated, particularly in grades K-3, assume all children develop and learn at the same rate and in the same way.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  In FACT, 20+ years of research validate that children between the ages of 0-6 progress at varying rates the most.  For example, some babies begin walking at 9 months of age while others don't begin until 15 months.  This concept parallels reading, writing, and math development as well.

5.  Children have their own melody to which they play.  CC does not take this into account.  Play is the foundation for learning and has now been stripped from classrooms.  Teachers were once systematic facilitators of play for the most imperative reasons.  Play not only stimulates physical, social-emotional, and cognitive development in children, it is also how they investigate the properties of the world around them.  This is hard wired in our brains as humans.  It's how we learn self-control, problem-solving, creativity, develop an attention span, and build executive functioning skills.

6.  Riga who?  RIGOR!  Most people define rigor as rigid and difficult.  Real world educators, however, use the term rigor to develop rigorous learning experiences targeted at a student's learning level.  That is, experiences that, facilitate the ability to think critically, flexibly, and creatively at that particular child's cognitive ability and prior knowledge.  CC certainly is rigorous like they claim to be.  Rigid, inflexible, unyielding, developmentally inappropriate and maintains no regard for all of this.  It's highly prescriptive curricula focusing on test preparation and skill building in early academic years has "serious implications on a child's development" (as stated by the Alliance for Childhood).  High intensity does not equal high quality!

7.  Poverty is poverty is poverty.  The fact remains that the districts that need the most funding get the least.  Developers of CCSS falsely imply that if we PRESSURE and FORCE children to learn material far past their developmental abilities, poverty will somehow be combated.  As an educator who has taught both general and special education students I have witnessed one massive  complication when this avenue is taken.  Children who are pressured and forced will either rebel or retract.  They will act out (and not learn) or they will be ridden with anxiety and sickness (and not learn).  Sooooooo, how again does this resolve poverty?

Why are politicians and large corporations (this is in FACT who is driving the "education reform") trying to strip the originality from our children?  Why are they trying to break them down?  Why are are they holding school funding hostage?  In NYS, our dispicable Governor Cuomo, will not provide any extra funding to NYS public schools UNLESS they agree to follow his CC and APPR agenda.  How is this a democracy?  How is this humanity?  How is this fairness?  This war I fight for my children is not liberal vs. conservative.  Jeb Bush is just as lethal as Hillary Clinton with the matter at hand.  The fundamental change in power that has transpired in education has the potential to wreak havoc on our democracy.  

Although this entry is quite long, what I have mentioned barely scratches the surface.  I will discuss the dangers of standardized testing and the new APPR's in a following post.  In the meantime if you have comments or questions please share them below!!!  If you are an advocate of opposing the Common Core and High Stakes standardized testing please share this post.  Remember the picture of that little blonde girl in the beginning of this post?  She is the one who makes every day the best day of my life.  I'm sure you have someone you regard as the same.  Fight for them, opt out, spread the word, share this. 

Week 13: Push On Me, I'm Gonna Push Back Harder

As a teacher I have many opinions regarding the Common Core and its corresponding student and teacher assessments.  I will begin this entry by stating that politics will undoubtedly be discussed due to how tightly CC is woven into it.  I will also state that as an experienced and well-versed teacher I am utterly and completely against the new standards as well as the assessments.  I will do my very best to state facts to support my opposition while also attempting to demystify the subject.  I tell you all this now in an effort to forewarn you that I am incredibly passionate about this and to provide you the opportunity to discontinue reading.  If this type of entry isn't your cup of tea then simply enjoy the image of my beautiful girls ready to kick the ass of the politicians sitting behind a desk attempting to dictate their future.  If you are interested in learning the danger of CC and the high stakes testing then please read on.

There was  time when I was strictly a numbers girl.  Numbers are safe and concrete.  When my daughter was going to born with complications I remember the question I kept asking the doctors was, "What are the chances...?"  They always gave me a general qualitative response, which is I why I would ask my question again.  A qualitative answer didn't feel safe.  It didn't provide me a matter a fact statement that my daughter would have exactly this much of a percentage to live her life with out more surgery.  There was no given ratio on how likely she was going to live complication free.  I needed a number and I needed that number to be in my favor.

I found the same to be true when I was teaching.  I taught in a life skills, language-based classroom that primarily consisted of children diagnosed on the autism spectrum.  My students often had goals to reduce, what most called, maladaptive behaviors.  Again, parents most often wanted to see a number.  I cannot generalize and say that they did not want to understand the themes in their child's behavior, but generally the goal, especially with an IEP, was to analyze data through numerical comparisons.  I can see now how this gave them a sense of hope when the numbers fell in the direction of their child's favor...and how it was devastating when they fell out of favor.

So what is the point of discussing numbers when I prefaced this entry to be centered around CC?  Our children across the country are becoming nothing more than a number to politicians who want our numbers to surpass other country's numbers.  I am not disregarding the importance of statistical analysis.  It plays a very important role in research and development.  There are some situations, however, in which qualitative measurements are extremely important.  I would say that our children, developmentally appropriate standards, and effective evaluation to guide further instruction are some of them.  The problem is this.  Federal government wants national control over educational standards and assessments as proven through Bush's No Child Left Behind Act and Obama's Race To The Top.  The difficulty is collecting, maintaining, and analyzing valid and reliable data with their proposed methods of evaluation.  The repercussions of this method?  There is no insight into it.  It does not measure the complexity of the educational process.  Numbers don't tell you that the the little boy who just failed his test has severe anxiety taking written exams.  Numbers don't tell you that the little girl who slept through her test lay in bed the night before listening to her mommy and daddy scream and fight while her baby sister lay in her crib crying.  Numbers don't tell you that Johnny couldn't concentrate on his test because his tummy was growling.  His daddy left his mommy a year ago and she didn't have enough money to feed him the past week.  You cannot rate a child without first investigating the preexisting conditions.  There is a considerable body of research documenting that children in disadvantaged homes do not perform as well in school.  Regardless, politicians-not educators-have unremittingly ignored the data.  The have also ignored the fact that the kids who need the most (food, shelter, emotional support, and stability), have the least school funding (after school programs, art/music/phys ed programs, books, teaching materials, support specialists, smaller student-to-teacher ratios).  

Now lets say the government just can't get over themselves.  They absolutely NEED to implement some other form of student assessment.  What would make sense?  A growth model.  Giving the states (ahemmm, minus Cuomo) and the districts back their control.  Allowing them to do their job.  Listening to teachers, administrators, cognitive psychologists, and neuroscientists in the field who do have the insight while taking into account socioeconimic data.  Those numbers NEED to come from a growth model and NOT a high stakes standardized test on developmentally inappropriate standards.  Not only are our children being given standardized tests to evaluate their own performance, they are now also being given MORE written tests to assess their teachers performance (included in the APPR)!  Call me crazy but it seems that schools have not been failing children, rather politicians have been failing to address the changes in society (such as the decreased size of the middle class) which, therefore, has a direct affect on student academic achievement.

As I think of what I originally wanted to include in this post, I am finding that it is too much for one post.  In addition to the aforementioned my thoughts were to also inform you of cognitive psychology, neuroscience, theory of learning, developmental milestones and how they play a role in setting appropriate learning standards and forms of assessment.  However, it seems more fitting to next discuss the dangers of over testing at a young age.  And, YES, it has been proven that non-authentic assessments at the early stages of education are in fact detrimental.  I have heard all too often that "Well, this is what happens.  People take tests."  My response..."No.  Adults take tests.  Children explore, manipulate, play, and create to form ideas and then restructure those ideas so one day they will be capable of withstanding such mundane tasks such as week long exams."

In an effort to shorten this I think it best to leave you with the prior information and follow up with the effects of over testing and how imperative appropriate standards are in another entry.  For now if you want to fight this war with me I leave you with this.  OPT OUT.  Teachers and districts have their hands tied, especially in NYS because they are worried about losing their jobs.  The only people who can really take this over is parents.  Opt out your children from the state assessments and the APPR's.  I will discuss exactly what the APPR's are in the next post as well as how my daughter in kindergarten was affected by it.  In the meantime deny the data that is used to label your child and fire his teacher and close his school.  Refuse the tests.  Certain districts are unsupportive of this and may very well tell you that you can not do this.  Do your research and you will find out that yes you can!  Legally, you can!  As for me?  The school, the district, even the state, can try and push me.  But when it come to my girls, their education, their future, and their happiness if you push on me...I'm gonna push back harder.

P.S. Don't forget to share and tag this post if you like it

Week 12: Never Forget What is Worth Remembering

I don't have much to add to this week's entry.  Just a few quick pictures that are, for me, worth remembering.  They are also in memory of the grandparents I never met who are straight off of the boat, The Hannah Butler.  To my grandpa Butler, I wish so much that you could see my girls this year.  You are always worth remembering.

"A best friend is like a four leaf clover: Hard to find and lucky to have."

"May the dreams you hold dearest be those which come true and the kindness you spread keep returning to you."

Week 11: Water is More Constant Than Blood

There is an age-old saying that states “blood is thicker than water.”  I have only heard it used as ammunition to support an argument that an individual should always side with the biological family.  But what happens when that family member abandons you or hurts you?  What happens when that blood returns to your life but you have had a constant flow of support and unconditional love from the water?

The University of Saarland released a study in February of 2013 that stated blood flows differently than water.  Blood is the mean girl.  Blood has flow properties that change depending on the conditions around it.  Physically this is yet another marvel our bodies are capable of producing.  Metaphorically, blood isn't too reliable.  In contrast, the flow properties of water are constant despite pressure, temperature, and other variables.

One could argue many points for such a quote, but in the end none matter.  What does matter?  Certainly not biology.  Biology does not differentiate right vs. wrong.  What defines a family are the bonds, intimacies, experiences, and the consistencies in which these are displayed. 

This weeks entry is dedicated to the people in my life who are not “blood” but are none-the-less family.  They have proven this by their presence, by being supportive, by creating a bond.  For this I am eternally grateful.

Week 10: Guess How Much I Love You

One of the girl's favorite trips is going to the book store.  This week we went to Barnes and Noble and they had a wonderful children's book on sale, "Guess How Much I Love You," written by Sam McBratney.  Anna and Gracie both have their special books from me.  Anna's book is "I Love You Through and Through," by Bernadette Rossetti-Shustak and Gracie's is "How Do I Love You?" by Marion Dane Bauer.  With two toddlers and a newborn I never got around to picking a special book out for Emmalynn.  So this day seemed perfect.  Of course Gracie stole the book when Emma was napping but I can't argue with a child that loves to read!

I began to think about the purpose of having a special book for each of my girls.  It wasn't planned, it just kind of happened.  I think I was trying to convince them of just how much I love them.  After all, telling them ten times a day wasn't working.  Hugging them and kissing them more than I have ever hugged or kissed someone in one day wasn't enough.  I have come to the realization that my girls will never fully understand the capacity in which I love them.  And I think this was the purpose of the books.  But, it's ok.  One day when they have their own babies then they will.  Just like I now understand the love my  mother has for me.  I now  understand why my mom made the choices she did, why she left her career so young, why we couldn't have chocolate before bed.

A mother's love of her child is 100% inexplicable.  The ingrained neural and hormonal interactions that assist in developing the bond between a mother and child are by far the most powerful in nature.  After all, what else could compel another human being to walk over broken shards of glass, walk through flames, jump into a sinking ship, or in the line of fire to save another life?  I can't quantify my love for my girls, I don't think any mother can.  But as we always have and always will, I would like to ask you your thoughts.  Leave a comment and share how you explain the love of a mother for her child.  To my darling girls, guess how much I love you?  "Infinity times infinity, with all my heart forever."

A quick note: If you like my posts and wouldn't mind sharing them it would really help me out :)  Warmly, Kim

Week 9: Silence Is Golden, Unless You Have Children...

Super short post this week.  As most of my regular clients know the past couple years have been a challenge with an increase in intensity and severity of migraines.  This was one of those weeks so I didn't get too many shots of the girls or spend much time with my camera.  I did, however, manage to sneak a shot of my little one being sneaky herself.  While I was in the shower she managed to reach my phone and then hid in my closet, nestled in the far back corner.  Being on my third toddler I should have known it was too quiet for too long :).  I was relishing in quietness when I realized she hadn't banged on the shower door in at least 5 minutes.  She thought she was pretty funny when she realized she was caught.  I have to say I am smiling writing this because her sneakiness was pretty darn cute.  I am pretty sure only a parent can understand "Silence is golden unless you have children.  Then it is suspicious." 

Week 8: It's Not What You Look At, It's What You See

There is something fascinating about a child's eyes.  Something inspirational and uplifting.  When I look at this image I am reminded of how, as children, we are not yet fully bred to view society with a narrow perspective.  As children we were once full of questions and thoughts.  At some point along our path to adulthood many of us often lose sight of how captivating the "small stuff" can be.  Sit back and watch a child.  Watch their eyes.  Watch how they stare ahead trying to figure out how a hummingbirds' wings flap so quickly.  Or, watch how their eyes dance back and forth trying to track each movement of the prima ballerina's gracious pas de chat across the stage.  Observe how they are compelled by their surroundings.  This is how we, as adults, need to perceive what comes across our paths.  We need to question, reflect, and admire.  It's not what you look at, it's what you see.

Yesterday as I watched Emmalynn laugh hysterically because Anna rolled summersaults around her and remembered Gracie carefully planting her flower seeds this past summer, I was reminded to look at the world with a new perspective.  A simple summersault?  A silly flower seed?  Can it really be that riveting?  It can if you see it the right way.  One of my hopes is that my children never lose this sense of sight, of wonder, of attraction to living within the little things.  Now, if they could only see themselves through my eyes.  Their sights would be set even higher!

Week 7: Morality Is Doing What Is Right

Do you have a strong-willed child?  I do.  Is it challenging?  Absolutely.  Do I love it?  Absolutely!  I love my strong-willed girl because as fiercely as she protests, she loves.  As passionately as she fights for independence, she laughs.  Gracie is self-motivated with a strong sense of integrity and independence.  Because of this she is prone to power struggles.  Some parents might say this isn't such a good thing.  I say this is a great thing!  You see, I want my daughter to listen to me, but not because she is being obedient.  I want her to listen to me because what I am asking her to do is the right thing.  H.L. Mencken, one of America's most influential writer's, said, "Morality is doing what's right, no matter what you're told.  Obedience is doing what you're told, no matter what's right."

I have met many children in my teaching days.  I remember all of their endearing personalities.  My Gracie, however, is truly one of a kind.  Full of thought and wonder.  Full of spunk and life and vibrance.  Full of passion and drive and a need to understand.  Her thought processes are quite complex for a 4-year-old.  Now we just have to work on her ability to filter.  Gracie loves to discuss everything she sees.  Most often in public places, quite loudly, and right next to the person her question or thought is regarding.  

So who is Gracie underneath that tough exterior?  That little girl who so desperately wants to learn for herself, who is strives for self-sufficiency, and insists on testing limits just to be sure?  She is extremely kind and sensitive and thoughtful.  Gracie doesn't like to see others upset.  She wants to understand why and assist.  Gracie is also nurturing and a caretaker.  While Anna wants to be an art teacher or an artist, Gracie wants to "be a Mommy" when she is "growed up."

So what have I learned?  First, I am remembering what one of my child development psychology professors told me in class years ago.  Strong-willed children (or what some adults would call stubborn) will most often become very pleasant teens and adults.  They are self-motivated and go after what they want.  Most  importantly they are impenetrable to succumb to peer pressure.  They are responsible, considerate, and think for themselves.  They are leaders!

Second, I have learned that one of the constants of being a behavioral specialist/special education teacher in a behavioral based classroom must also be carried into my home.  That constant is the simple fact that emotions tend to mirror each other.  In other words, if I escalate my emotions Gracie will escalate hers.  When I am ready to start yelling because her brain just can't seem to switch gears I have to continue to talk calmly and softly.  It is only then that her emotions will eventually mirror my own.  Then we can discuss, problem solve, and repair the relationship (hug, snuggle, whatever she is in the mood for).

Third, I have learned that my children still continue to teach me.  Gracie has taught me to throw out many of my inhibitions.  Who needs to be so rigid that they don't experience the world for all of it's beauty and all it has to offer?  Gracie is the epitome of "Live, Laugh, Love."

To my Lu-lu girl.  I am no way what-so-ever wishing time by.  It can slow down anytime now!  I am, however, looking forward to watching you grow into a moral leader who models respect, excitement, empathy, and a love of life.

Week 6: I Hope You Dance

By far the most heart-breaking and emotionally challenging day of my entire life was my 4-month post ultrasound appointment with Emmalynn.  To preface this, Emma was a surprise.  We had committed to building a new house with every intention of me going back to teaching.  As with my previous pregnancies I had a debilitating 3+ month migraine attack which left me useless to care for my 1 and 2 year old daughters and my husband was left sleeping a sporatic 3 hours a day.  My body never handled pregnancy well.  I spent weeks in hospitals for issues they never found answers to.  Then with Emmalynn came the Pubic Symphasis Dysfunction (very painful) which left me on bed rest and preterm labor...again.

Then came the day no mom dares to dream of.  My OB said, "The heartbeat sounds great, but I want you to stay laying down on the table."  I had so many issues with myself I never dreamed there would be any with my baby.  My doctor showed me the ultrasound images on her laptop.  Emma's right kidney had pretty much split into 2 "poles" with large cysts covering the "upper pole."  On another view her belly wasn't a nice oval shape.  It was almost like a pear shape on one side.  I remember taking it all in, having a thousand thoughts in my head at one time, but not knowing what questions to ask.  It was the first time in my life I was speechless...almost numb.  I didn't cry.  I didn't say much of anything.  When I sat in my car and shut the door-with out even thinking-my eyes welled and the tears streamed.  And then I realized with out even knowing her, just how much I loved her. 

We were sent to a pediatric kidney specialist who was "pretty sure" on a diagnosis.  Mr. KAP and I were becoming slightly ok with the diagnosis because despite a kidney that would be dysfunctional she could still survive on just one.  And the big question-were these cancerous?- was put to rest.  They weren't.  Move forward a few months, several more ultrasounds, a couple hospital stays, several attempts at stopping preterm labor, and Emma's belly circumference much larger than the width of her shoulders came June 16, 2012.  Despite her being too early, there was no stopping this little girl.  Breathing, blood pressure, Emma's belly circumference, and all the other subsequent calculations called for an immediate c-section.  And then there she was.  The doctor held her above the sheet for me to see her for a split second and she was taken from me and brought right to the NICU.  After recovering came a new wave of events and inexplicable emotions.  After more tests we were informed that Emmalynn's diagnosis was incorrect.  The kidney specialist was uncertain what was occurring (mom's you know my panic at this point).  Finally came an amazing pediactric urologist who discovered Emma's complications.  There is no official diagnosis or label for it.  She informed us of all possible outcomes and it turned out that Emmalynn needed a small surgery at 6 weeks old.  Worst day ever!  Since then her cysts have decreased in size and a portion of the right kidney is functioning.  What's in Emma's future?  Yearly ultrasounds (they used to be much more frequent) to measure the size of the cysts, monitor the surgery site on the bladder and monitoring frequency of infections.  Since she was born she has had only one.  Just a week ago in fact.  The doctor was pleased that she went so long with out one.  I could have went longer but I guess I'll take it.

So what did I learn from all of this?  To dance.  It is only in hindsight I realized that through this all Emmalynn has always danced.  Despite all of her doctors appointments and all the antibiotics that made her feel even more sick, she was always the happiest newborn and baby.  Smiling, cooing, crawling, until she sat and danced, stood and danced, then walked and danced.  Now she is twirling and dancing.  She is a strong willed girl and the past couple weeks have presented her with several intimidating appointments.  And here she is...this week...still dancing, still inquiring, still smiling.  Life has a way a throwing curve balls but through it all, my Emmagirl, never loose your sense of wonder.  When you are faced with challenges and excitment I hope you always dance.  To my readers, " Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."  Emmalynn sure has.

Week 5: If Ever There Is A Tomorrow...

This is an image I thought I would never get again of my sweet Annabelle's.  She was always my best napper.  She took a two to three hour nap every day up until the days before she went to kindergarten.  If you have seen my personal Facebook page there are many "sleeping" pictures of my girls, especially Anna.  There is something soft, delicate, and innocent watching a child sleep.  It is something I enjoy photographing, but difficult to get of other children besides my own.

The softness of this image reflects the softness of Anna.  Yes, she has her snotty 5 year old moments but the essence of Anna is a kind and nurturing soul.  She is one in which the the world can look up to.  Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice.  Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable."  I think this summarizes every mother's fear.  A perfect angel ready to explore and experience the world and all it has to offer while facing it's challenges.  Anna often helps remind me to slow down, to let go of the little things, and to laugh at the silly things.  It's through her that I have become a better person.  And now it's my turn.  To my Anna, Gracie, and Emmalynn, for the rest of my existence I will my spend time trying to teach you to stay soft and not let the world make you hard.  To not let the bitterness steal your sweetness or the pain make you hate.  "If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you must always remember.  You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Week 4: I'm So Glad You Were Born

This week was Mr. KAP's birthday.  No big parties or extravagant gifts this year, but still so much to celebrate.  I have to admit.  I had never heard of, "I'm so glad you were born," until I met a friend in my mid twenties.  He said he never says, "Happy Birthday."  The whole notion really clicked for me (and even more so since the birth of my girls).  A BIRTH day.  A day to remember and celebrate your birth.  Most dictionary's define birthday as "an anniversary of birth" or "the day of a person's birth."  So in essence, when we say "happy birthday," are we saying, "happy day of your birth?"  For me a birthday has a much deeper meaning.  A BIRTH day is a celebration of life, of your existence, of every choice you have made that has led you to where and who you are.  With out your parent's birth, husband's birth, grandparent's birth, child's birth, your life would be drastically different.  This is perhaps why I am so in like with my friend's words.  And so, to my husband, I'm so glad you were born. The world is a better place because you are in it.

Week 3: The More That You Read, The More Things You Will Know

"The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn the more places you'll go" (Dr. Suess).  

Emmalynn is interrupting Daddy's study time...again.  But, it is a welcome interruption in a flow of intricate thought processes to listen to your less than 2 1/2 year old read the letters of the alphabet correctly.  Emma loves to "read" and have books read to her.  As a previous teacher, a person who loves to read, and a person who cannot soak up enough information to satiate her desire to learn, I couldn't be more happy with this.  She is at the very early stages of reading and writing and because I can actually identify these developmental milestones it is fascinating to watch.

The most recent recent literature I have read was written by neurologist, David Perlmutter, M.D.  He explains how in just the last couple years neurologists have discovered a definitive answer to the whole nature vs. nurture theory.  Which affects you more?  Well, here it is.  Yes, genetics absolutely play a huge role.  But...BUT...you can actually alter how you express your genes!!  How interesting is that!?!  And not just when it comes to learning.  This is also true when it comes to chronic illness (diabetes, alzheimers, migraines, weight, etc.).  Call me crazy but I am absolutely fascinating by this.  Anyways, what does this new research mean for children?  While good experiences (language and print rich environment, lots of exposure to books, manipulation of words and letters, and a ton of positive reinforcement) help the brain develop well, neglect can cause genetically "normal" children develop "abnormally."

So my Emmalynn, keep reading your books, and learning your letters.  Keep loving to learn and ask all your questions.  Although, I don't wish time to move any faster, I am thrilled to see all the places you'll go! 

Why Custom Photography Costs More

The digital age has attracted a large number of people into this world of capturing life's priceless moments.  Whether it is the amateur taking a quick snap shot, the hobbyist, the enthusiast, or the  professional, photography in the digital sense has allowed "photographers" great freedom.  In my opinion there are two aspects of photography where I hear the most questions regarding pricing.  Print pricing and session fees.  This post will be geared more toward the session and I will follow up with the technicalities of print pricing in a later post.

First, think about TIME.  Time is not just the time spent with the client.  In fact photographers spend less time photographing than they do doing the behind the scenes work.  Prior to a client's first contact with a photographer, the photographer is spending time marketing.  This includes maintaining a web site and social media, creating flyers for advertising, meetings with other vendors for co-marketing and so on.  Then we finally get to when our clients contact us to capture memories that reflect that special time in their life.  Our time goes a little something like this (of course it will vary depending on the type of session...mini, wedding, etc.) and what your photographer offers:

• booking time (client contact to discuss schedule, session goals, etc. plus paperwork) 30 min-1 hr
• pre-session preparations (studio set up or packing gear) 30 min-1 hr
• travel time (we often go to more than one location per day) varies, but for this we'll say 30min-1 hr
• photographing time/actual session 1.5-2 hr, more for newborns
• packing up gear and travel from the session, again we'll say 30-60 min
• editing time 2-5 hours
• presentation of images (dependent upon photographer) could be 30 min-2 hour
• preparing special order items 30 min-1 hr
• sorting and checking orders 30  min
• any additional add on time for ordering, shipment or quality issues 30 min-1 hr

So for this example the photographer is spending approximately 13-18 hours of time for one session.  And let's say she charges you $150-$300 for YOUR time.  She is actually spending at least 9--12 hours more of hers.

The other two aspects to think about are 1) the costs of maintaining a photography business and 2) the whole concept of "you get what you pay for."  I'll leave the costs of maintaining the business for my next post, Why A Photographer's Prints Cost more.  There is A TON more here than what you think!!!!  I promise!

Anyway, time to compare apples to oranges.  So just what will you get with a quick stop in the department store photo studio?  A quick 30 minutes session, a photographer who is pressured to maintain his schedule and therefore has little patience to let children settle and become comfortable in a different environment, and a series of posed, run of the mill, completely unedited images with fake cheesy backgrounds.  Bear in mind that they are on a schedule and pressured to keep the flow going because they do charge so little.  This is how they gain any profit...any therefore pay the bills.  If they charge a little, they have to photograph A LOT.

Now let's take a look at what you receive with a custom photographer.  First and foremost the client takes the lead!  The client chooses a photographer whose style is in tune with his own.  The photographer and client work together to create a vision which allows for a comfortable and enjoyable session.  What you will usually also receive is edited images, which means colors are calibrated, blemishes are removed, and so forth.  What I think is the most important part of custom photography is the relationship that can be built.  Custom photographers do not want a quick "hi, how are ya, let's take your picture, now leave" experience.  We want to have fun, to connect with the members of the family, help the babies and children feel comfortable and adapt to the possibly new park, studio, or farm they are in.  We enjoy working with people as much as we enjoy photographing...that's why we do it!  We take extreme pride in our creativity, visions, and work.  Remember, photography remembers things long after time has passed and the mind has difficulty remembering.  Choose your photographer wisely to capture the moments in time that you want to hang on to.  Those moments that make life worth living.

Week 2: If You're A Bird, I'm A Bird

And here he is, the man who is almost nearly impossible to capture in a photograph.  He is also the one, who for some reason I will never fully understand, chose to spend his life with me.  To provide him with a small sense of anonymity I will refer to him as Mr. Kimberly Anne Photography, or Mr. KAP for short.  Mr. KAP is the first, and last, person where I have ever felt my head, my heart, and my gut in sync.  My mom told me that once.  "Your head, your heart, and your gut have to match" to know you are picking the right person.  Being able to identify that took only a couple short months (but shhhh... we'll keep that to ourselves).  I wasn't afraid to be him, I was elated.  I was Allie in my most favorite novel, The Notebook.  Young, completely in love, willing to give up what I had to to be with him.

As I speak of notions of romance you will never hear Mr. KAP talk of such things.  He is a man of few words but has an unprecedented amount of loyalty, respect, honor, and dignity.  What fascinates me about my husband is his ability to persevere.  I have never met a man with such determination, will power, and strength to acquire his goals.  He gives more to our family and community than he receives in return and maintains such resilience that has yet to appear compromised.

What I fall in love with every day is how perfect he is for us (by "us" I mean myself and our girls).  He will always be my daughter's first kiss, their first dance, their first hero.  He will always be the first man they fell in love with and the first man who fell in love with them.  For that I am grateful incomparable to words

Week 1-I've Got An Angel

"I've got an angel, she doesn't wear any wings.  She wears a heart that can melt my own, she wears a smile that can make you want to sing.  She gives me presents, with her presence alone.  She gives me everything I can wish for, she gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home....you're so busy changing the world, just one smile and you can change all of mine.  We share the same soul..."  (Jack Johnson).

Meet my three angels.  Anna, Gracie, and Emmalynn.  At first I considered not using this image as I wouldn't consider it my best work.  But, the fact of the matter is, all three of my beautiful girls are all in one picture together and they are all happy.  It is a rare occasion and it seemed an appropriate time to introduce them since this is the beginning of my "Reflections" blog.

As with most children we have nicknames for our girls.  Anna has always been my little Annabelle, so everyone went with it.  Gracie is Gracie Lu-Lu, nicknamed by my mom.  I have no idea how she came up with it but it stuck...and I love it.  Emmalynn has appropriately been named Emmabear.  She came up with this herself one day while we were pretending to growl like a bear.

In essence their nicknames reflect their personalities.  Annabelle is my little princess who is the epitome of the quote "Sugar and spice and everything nice.  That's what little girls are made of."  She loves to wear dresses, and jewelry, hates the bad guys in her Disney movies and is completely in love with glitter and sparkles.  She is also my timid and shy one who is a bit slow to warm up to new people and situations.  What I love about Anna is her compassion for others and her eye for creativity.  Outside of her five-year-old moments she has a tenderness about her that transpires.  What I find interesting is her ability in artistic activities at such a  young age.  She not only enjoys it, she has quite the talent.

Gracie is my little spitfire.  But what I absolutely love about my Lu-Lu girl is her infectious giggle, vibrant, positive, and silly personality.  Gracie has an imagination like I have never seen in a child before (and I've worked with a lot of little ones in my teaching years).  Lately I've been telling people she is going to write novels because her stories are so creative, descriptive, and full of contemplation.  Gracie, too, is a very compassionate person.  When she likes something she dives in head first.  If she doesn't like it, well, good luck.  She can bring any toy to life, especially her Bitty Babies, princess statues, and Fisher Price doll house set.  I wish I could share all her crazy stories!

Emmabear is currently in her terrible two's. " Grumpy as a bear" can fit her quite well if she sees something she wants and can't have it.  Forget about anything if she is tired.  Despite this trying stage of development she also possesses that fun loving, energetic excitement of a two year old experiencing the world for the first time.  She helps me remember to let go of the small stuff and cherish the little things.  Emma is beginning to show signs of Anna's love for art.  She is far exceeding her developmental level in writing, drawing, coloring, and painting.  She is also a complete mommy's girl.

These three children have not only changed my view of the world and the way I regard human beings, they have opened me up.  They have somehow made me a better person.  Growing up I was an incredibly shy person, all the way through college.  Since the birth of my daughters I have recognized a strength and fire I had in me all along.  They have brought this out.  They have shown me what it means to have a soul and how deep a person can truly love.  They have shown me what a miracle is.  They have shown me what an angel is.  It is them.