By far the most heart-breaking and emotionally challenging day of my entire life was my 4-month post ultrasound appointment with Emmalynn. To preface this, Emma was a surprise. We had committed to building a new house with every intention of me going back to teaching. As with my previous pregnancies I had a debilitating 3+ month migraine attack which left me useless to care for my 1 and 2 year old daughters and my husband was left sleeping a sporatic 3 hours a day. My body never handled pregnancy well. I spent weeks in hospitals for issues they never found answers to. Then with Emmalynn came the Pubic Symphasis Dysfunction (very painful) which left me on bed rest and preterm labor...again.
Then came the day no mom dares to dream of. My OB said, "The heartbeat sounds great, but I want you to stay laying down on the table." I had so many issues with myself I never dreamed there would be any with my baby. My doctor showed me the ultrasound images on her laptop. Emma's right kidney had pretty much split into 2 "poles" with large cysts covering the "upper pole." On another view her belly wasn't a nice oval shape. It was almost like a pear shape on one side. I remember taking it all in, having a thousand thoughts in my head at one time, but not knowing what questions to ask. It was the first time in my life I was speechless...almost numb. I didn't cry. I didn't say much of anything. When I sat in my car and shut the door-with out even thinking-my eyes welled and the tears streamed. And then I realized with out even knowing her, just how much I loved her.
We were sent to a pediatric kidney specialist who was "pretty sure" on a diagnosis. Mr. KAP and I were becoming slightly ok with the diagnosis because despite a kidney that would be dysfunctional she could still survive on just one. And the big question-were these cancerous?- was put to rest. They weren't. Move forward a few months, several more ultrasounds, a couple hospital stays, several attempts at stopping preterm labor, and Emma's belly circumference much larger than the width of her shoulders came June 16, 2012. Despite her being too early, there was no stopping this little girl. Breathing, blood pressure, Emma's belly circumference, and all the other subsequent calculations called for an immediate c-section. And then there she was. The doctor held her above the sheet for me to see her for a split second and she was taken from me and brought right to the NICU. After recovering came a new wave of events and inexplicable emotions. After more tests we were informed that Emmalynn's diagnosis was incorrect. The kidney specialist was uncertain what was occurring (mom's you know my panic at this point). Finally came an amazing pediactric urologist who discovered Emma's complications. There is no official diagnosis or label for it. She informed us of all possible outcomes and it turned out that Emmalynn needed a small surgery at 6 weeks old. Worst day ever! Since then her cysts have decreased in size and a portion of the right kidney is functioning. What's in Emma's future? Yearly ultrasounds (they used to be much more frequent) to measure the size of the cysts, monitor the surgery site on the bladder and monitoring frequency of infections. Since she was born she has had only one. Just a week ago in fact. The doctor was pleased that she went so long with out one. I could have went longer but I guess I'll take it.
So what did I learn from all of this? To dance. It is only in hindsight I realized that through this all Emmalynn has always danced. Despite all of her doctors appointments and all the antibiotics that made her feel even more sick, she was always the happiest newborn and baby. Smiling, cooing, crawling, until she sat and danced, stood and danced, then walked and danced. Now she is twirling and dancing. She is a strong willed girl and the past couple weeks have presented her with several intimidating appointments. And here she is...this week...still dancing, still inquiring, still smiling. Life has a way a throwing curve balls but through it all, my Emmagirl, never loose your sense of wonder. When you are faced with challenges and excitment I hope you always dance. To my readers, " Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." Emmalynn sure has.